Story: The Devil's Shopping List

A Project Vigilance story as transcribed by Holbenilord.

Prologue
"I trust sir has had a good look through the catalogue?"

Cletus Bradshaw looked up, wearing an undecided expression. "I'm having trouble choosing- such a decision! There are no price differences?"

The waiter nodded. "All are the same price except from the 'not for sale' items, as marked."

"Wonderful. Could you recommend one to me? An exciting one, for my main house?"

The waiter bent over the catalogue, and then turned back to the customer.

"May I recommend Item 167?"

"That looks like a good one. I'll buy it!"

The waiter's lips pursed and his little moustache twisted on his face in gratitude. "An excellent choice, sir."

Chapter 1
Sergeant Russ was having an okay day, really. Rooks in need of orientation, but no Hazards going boom or suddenly appearing in his dorm.

He signalled for the chattering newbies to be silent, and then began to speak.

"You've had the intro talk. This is for militaries only, so if you're not with us, get the hell out."

There was a shuffling as one large-haired man sneaked out of the room.

"Thankyou. We are the most important group of PV personnel, you know. Operatives recover, researchers research, but it's us who actually do the guarding and the attacking, the gritty stuff. We keep this organisation alive.

"Around half of you should, statistically, die on the job. That includes suicides, Hazard attacks, lethal contagions, termination to protect society, or fates worse than death. Well, you're gonna die anyway, you may as well go out with style.

"We've got the best equipment available. We've got everything we would need and more to go toe-to-toe with any nation's military. But we don't have the equipment to deal with Hazards.

"I'm sure you've been told a little, but the truth is Hazards are just things not yet explained. They could be anything. Heck, any of you could be a living timebomb or have the ability to tell the time wherever you are. They exist, and they've gotta be dealt with. Our job is to protect humanity, whether it's by containment or termination of FUSes. FUSes are our name for Hazards, stands for ****ed up ****s. Spookies, I mean the ops, they tell us where to go. Be nice to them, they control the intel. Many a time friendly Spooks have suggested some crackpot way of catching a FUS, and they work.

"Researchers are just naive students who fantasise half the time and walk into things the other. Stay out of their way, that's my advice, because they get to carry FUSes.

"We get our fair share of proper combat too, against the Dippies and their type. What do you mean, who are they? The Dippies? Probably called Divine Path by the higher-ups.

"And on to the higher-ups. They don't care about you. They care about dealing with Hazards. They are the stupidest, craziest, nastiest ****holes around and you will learn to hate them.

"Any of you got the Sight? No? Great. 'Sighteds' are called wackies, and for good reason. If you meet one, they won't even know you're there. This 'Sight' is like LSD or Magic Mushrooms or that stuff. It makes them see stuff but it also makes them crazy. We need them because they're our sniffer dogs.

"That's it from me. You're with Brigadier Manami next, I think. Try to stay awake."

Russ walked out of the room and realised the alarms were going off. He grabbed a ProvSec official.

"What's going on?"

"Hell if I know! 167 just disappeared!"

"167? The drinks cabinet? What the...?"

"From under three inches of armour steel, too! Sec footage shows nothing!"

"Where are we heading?"

"ProvSec to Bunker 3, I guess Militaries to Bunker 2. Quickly!"

The official ran off, leaving Russ there with the rooks behind him.

"What are you here for?"

"A Major told us to stick with you."

"Just great."

Agent Xenophon came around the corner. "Sergeant Russ?"

Russ nodded.

"You're a lieutenant now. Congratulations."

Russ opened his mouth to protest, but thought better of it. "Thanks, sir. Uh, why?"

"So you can lead the recovery team with me."

Russ narrowed his eyes. "Yes, sir."

Chapter 2
Xenophon and Russ went up to the porch and knocked on the wooden door.

"Who is it?" Someone called out.

"Theridez here!" Called the agent.

The door opened slowly, and an elderly man regarded them suspiciously. "What now? I'm retired. You can't just pull me back in!"

"Relax, Monty. Just want your take on things."

"Oh?" Montgomery Bassett opened the door wider. "Come in, then. Coffee's coming in a few minutes."

Russ stepped in and admired the tapestries all over the walls, the strange items dangling from the ceiling, and the glyphs on every door and window. "This guy a wizard?"

Xenophon nodded. "One of ours, until a few years ago. His wife was eaten by 529."

"Ouch."

"Yeah. He got an early retirement."

Now their host came back in. "Sit down, sit down."

They all sank into the big leather sofas.

"So, what has happened?"

"You know 167, the Drinks Cabinet?"

Monty nodded. "One of the nicer Hazards."

"It's been taken. Just gone. Three inches of armour steel untouched. Could magic have done this?"

"Magic? Telekinesis can't move objects through others. Certain magical abilities can bend back metal or temporarily vaporise it, but you could tell if that had happened."

"So there's no way?"

"Well, some kind of item like a Hand of Glory could allow it. But 167's too big for one man to carry."

Russ spoke up. "What's a Hand of Glory?"

"An item which allows you to walk through walls. Hard to make, usually made from a thief's hand with a candle stuck in. Crude and unpredictable to use. No, whoever did this was a professional and would never use something so uncontrollable."

"Any ideas, then?"

Monty shrugged. "Coffee's ready, by the way."

Lili Yixian continued to clean her sword, rubbing a cloth down its curved length and fondly turning it in her hands.

Around her, other Divine Path warriors did the same, preparing their katanas and their knives. Their rifles were already slung over their backs, and they wore black shinobi over chain armour.

They were planning an attack.

Russ waited patiently, hands in his pockets, as Xenophon made a call.

"...yeah, at least three... serious threat, yeah... carbines if you would, and at least one Sighted... I'll take it! When can he get here? ...alright, see you then."

Russ wore a questioning look. "What d'you get?"

"Oh, right. We've got a team of nine, one Sighted, one magic, and two specops. Here in ten."

"Only one wacky?"

"There are only so many, at least we have this one."

"And who's the wizard?"

"Oh, some Judith or something."

"Never heard of her. What's the transport?"

"Three vans, no special weapons."

"Huh. Well, here they come."

Chapter 3
The van doors opened and they jumped in.

"Morning. I'm Agent Xenophon and this is Lieutenant Russ."

The squad in front of them nodded in acknowledgement.

An arabian-looking man spoke now. "I'm Tariq. Your Sighted."

"Ah yes. And we had a magician?"

A woman looked up. "Juldith Grey, Practitioner TK."

"Telekinetic, eh? Sounds useful."

Russ looked around. "The guns?"

"Next van. Also has your requested items."

"Good, good."

The Divine Path warriors began to enter the flat, slipping in through an open window.

When three were in, it began. One had his skull crushed in his head, another burst into flames, and another was blasted back by lightning.

The next charged at their unseen enemy, but his spine thrust up through his skull. And the next was slammed against the floor with an audible splat.

Lili was the last one left. She crept in cautiously, but then noticed the pistol aimed straight at her.

She smiled at Montgomery. “Go on, then.”

“Oh, I will.” He fired two shots straight between her eyes.

A rune flared on her hood, and the bullets froze in mid-air. She leapt forward now, swinging her katana. It caught his chest as he stepped back, and red blood began to seep out onto his shirt.

“Huh.” He pointed his hand at her and released an orb of plasma. It smashed into Lili’s defences and just dissipated around them.

Then Montgomery Bassett fell, dead, to the floor.

Lieutenant Russ entered the mansion with apprehension. The whole squad had their weapons out, checking every corner of the marble-lined hall.

Tariq pointed up the stairs. “Something big.”

Xenophon nodded. "I'll take five up to check it out. Lieutenant, you take three and watch our backs.

Russ brought his three to the base of the stairs and fanned out. The agent and his men carried on upwards, cautious and keeping as quiet as possible. They could hear music playing from the far side of the courtyard, and it sounded classical.

Darius Cantor didn’t suspect a thing. He rocked backwards and forwards in his chair, humming the tune and holding his latest acquisition, a long cane. He was watching the Cantor children play in the garden below, and smiling.

Tariq watched Mr Cantor for a few seconds before turning round. “The cane.”

Xenophon smiled. “Judith, your turn to show how useful you are.”

The magician stepped up to the window and motioned at the wooden rod. It shot from its owner’s hands and settled on the balcony’s edge.

Bemused, Darius got up and began to walk towards it. But as he reached down, the Project Vigilance men grabbed him, injecting sedative into his neck. With a muffled sigh, he was out.

Rapidly, they reorganised and carried the businessman back through the building. Russ’ team joined them at the door and they all crept out together.

They put Mr Cantor in the van and gave him the antidote.

“What is this? Who are you?”

“Shhhh. No, it’s us who will be asking the questions.”

“This is against the law! Release me at once!”

Xenophon put his head right in front of his captive’s. “What do you know of Brooke and Fowler?”

Darius gulped. “Never heard of them.”

“Oh, what a pity. We were hoping you would tell us where to find them. Ah well, we’ll just have to kill you and burn down your house then.”

“No! No! I buy from them!”

Xenophon stopped and stared deep into Cantor’s eyes. It was the kind of look that made victims sweat and break under the pressure it placed.

“I buy through a middleman. He has this catalogue. We say the number and the next day it turns up at our front door, in an unregistered van with blacked-out windows.”

“Alright, we’re getting somewhere. What’s in the catalogue?”

“Oh, impossible things. Things you have to see to believe.”

“Give me some examples.”

“Er… a colony of chocolate ants. A computer which can edit real life. Gymnasts who can split in two for tricks.”

“And what’s the price tag?”

“All the ones for sale are one hundred and ten million dollars. Some are not for sale.”

“What are they like?”

Cantor squirmed. “We don’t get to see.”

Xenophon stood up straight now. “Thank you, Mr Cantor. You’ve been very helpful.” He pulled a photograph from his pocket and, taking care not to look, showed it to his captive. “And you won’t remember a thing.”

Chapter 4
Thresher, Rhodes, Johnson and Monteverde sat in the recreation room, accompanied by a group of Junior Researchers playing pool.

"Go for the far red, dammit! Snooker him!"

Rhodes was getting worked up, and he had stopped working several minutes ago. It was Thresher who was writing out the majority of the warrants and forms, his brow furrowed in concentration.

"Hey, quiet down." Leann was lying back, beret over her face, trying to sleep. Monteverde was reading a book titled "Geological Hazards and how to find them".

Major Vasquez entered. "Thresher? McGregor wants you."

Lucas got up and followed Vasquez out, drumming his fingers on His Sword.

"Alright." Johnson sat up. "What are you getting him?"

"For his birthday? I dunno. Books?"

Rhodes turned round now, temporarily interested. "He mentioned something about a Jeep to me."

"Well if you can afford to give him one, I'm sure he'd enjoy it."

"Yeah, I can get a session with the Crafties."

"CHQ will allow that?"

"They can be really soft at times. And they don't want Thresher to go."

"True." Leann lay back again.

"You know about the Drinks Cabinet?"

Monteverde looked up. "Current thinking is Brooke and Fowler."

"How d'they do it?"

A shrug. "If we knew that, we'd be a lot better off. Xenophon and Russ are on it."

"Only two?"

"We've got a lot of trouble in Venezuela right now. Can't afford to send regiments out."

"We can."

"CHQ doesn't want to draw attention. Remember 6676."

"True enough. Any recent discoveries?"

"There was the Sloth that could see through walls, but I think Frisco harpooned it. Dr. Rai recovered a rifle that turned live ammo put in to blanks. Manami captured a band of sowable soldiers."

"Sowable Soldiers? Like in the Cadmus and Jason myths?"

"The very same."

"Huh. Well, back to work."

Lili could see the Project Vigilance operatives from her vantage point in the flat. Her rifle was trained on a head, but she waited.

Voices drifted up. "I hate this city."

"This town's become like a ghost town."

"All the clubs have been closed down..."

"Alright, enough. Let's get back to safe house."

Lili fired now, and a soldier slumped down dead.

"To cover! Firer at seven o'clock!"

Lili began to climb down the fire escape, and drew her sword. Bullets began to come at her, whistling past as the PV troops fired blindly.

She came to Tariq first, decapitating him with a strike. Then it was Xenophon.

There was a flash of light as he uncovered the shield. The Divine Path warrior was gone in an instant, completely vaporised. Smoke drifted up into the air.

Shaken, the soldiers got up.

Its integrity ruined, the opposite house collapsed.

In Eastern Brazil, Dr. Frisco was stuck in a gunfight. He cursed the Order of Steel again, and fired his gun blindly around the tree he hid behind.

He had hit something- he heard a whirring and a crunch. The PV troopers around him were firing their SCARs, keeping the enemy suppressed. But they were dropping like flies; he couldn't keep this up.

Frisco stepped out from behind the tree and began to walk calmly towards his foe. He threw his gun away and pulled his harpoon from his back.

A Steel Brother showed his face, and it immediately exploded as the harpoon crashed into it. With a tug, the Hazard was now back in the doctor's hand.

"Look who's for breakfast!" He shouted, throwing the harpoon through a tree and killing another of his foes.

The Order had lost a lot of ground, and were now down to half a dozen Brothers. They were attempting to withdraw into a clearing in the rainforest.

Frisco was right behind them, kicking one in the groin and bashing another one in the half-metal skull with his favourite weapon. Now, he swung it back round and decapitated the incapacitated Brother with a spurt of gore.

"All over my boots? You're gonna pay..."

His team was behind him, and shot down another enemy.

The sergeant shouted after Frisco. "Sir, the steelies are falling back. We don't need to..." but she realised she was being ignored.

The doctor throttled another with his harpoon's rope and then hooked the penultimate down. The steely sat up and fired off a few blasts of shrapnel straight into Frisco's chest.

He laughed. And then he died.

The sergeant cried out. "No!" She pushed forwards with renewed vigour, shooting the killer in the head and then heading straight after the last of the steelies.

They were in the clearing now. This last foe was their leader- he wore a long cloak and metal spikes protruded from under his shoulders. He regarded the approaching PV soldiers with contemptuous malice, and then stepped up onto a large metal cube that had just been dropped from the sky.

"Well, soldiers of the great Project Vigilance, I wonder how you'll get out of this."

The cube began to unfold, grinding and whirring. Four legs appeared, and then a metal tail, and silver wings, and then a long serpentine neck, crafted from shining plates.

A Steel Dragon bellowed in the clearing, and then rose up on its hind legs. It pulled a tree from the ground and smashed the troopers aside with it, then fell upon them, chainsaws screaming in its claws.

The troopers tried to fire, but their bullets just ricocheted off. A grenade made no effect as the raging beast sliced through another man.

"Eh, I'm away for one moment and everything goes to ****."

Frisco stood in the clearing now, harpoon in hand. There was no evidence of any kind of wound under his ripped shirt.

The dragon turned to him, and two miniguns emerged from its back. They tore through the foliage, cutting down trees and spinning into a blur.

Frisco was not there any more. He was behind the creature now, on its tail. It grabbed at him, and a flamethrower sent out a ninety foot jet of burning death from its mouth. Now on fire, Frisco danced between its undulating spines and the pneumatic spikes which shot from between its scales.

He was on its back, and so was the Steel Knight. The doctor grinned.

"Hey, metalhead. I've never liked your style."

He smashed his harpoon into the Knight's cranium, pulverising it. The dragon bellowed again, twisting in vain to grab the figure that was now climbing its neck.

He lifted it high into the air and then plunged his weapon into its plated head. With a crunch, it penetrated and the dragon screeched in synthetic pain. Frisco reached in and pulled out the wiring and circuitry, laughing maniacally as it twisted in its death throes.

It sank onto its haunches now, neutralised. The doctor leapt off and went over to the sergeant.

"There was a problem, you said?"

Russ sat on the balcony, his legs dangling over the edge. He watched the city below, the movement of the cars and the flickering lights.

Xenophon joined him, his elbows resting on the wood.

Silently, they contemplated the world outside PV.

Staff Involved

 * Agent Xenophon
 * Lucas Thresher
 * Marcus Rhodes
 * Leann Johnson
 * Carl Monteverde

Hazards Involved

 * (TBC)